Baslik bile bulamadim daha yazmak istedigim seye. Zor kalbin icindekini anlatmak. Garip! Hissedersin ama anlatamazsin. Bir sizi gibi; sanki seni icten ice bogarmis gibi. Bilirsin hersey iyi olucak. Ama, ne zaman? Herkse der ki "bekle, gecicek. Daha iyi olucak senin icin". Ne zaman? Gelse keske o zaman hemen. Beklemesek bu kadar. Ucsa gitse hersey. Unutulsa. Unutulur mu acaba? Belki. Ama ya unutulmazsa. Belki hafifler yuku. Kolaylasir zamanla. Ama ya o da olmazsa? O zaman ne olur? Ya, o olucak denilenlerin hicbiri olmazsa. Ya hersey hic iyi olmazsa. O zaman ne olur? Tasir mi insan bunu bir omur boyunca? Beli de alisilir. Herseye alisilir nasil olsa bu hayatta. Ama ya alismak istemezse insan. Ya, daha fazlasini isterse. Ya degistirmek isterse kaderi, hayatin akisini. Degistirebilir mi? Degisir mi?

Belki de kaybolur kalabalikta. Siradanlasir. Gorunmez olur. Yakalayamaz bir daha eski rengini. Gri olur. Biri geri verir mi o zaman rengini ona? Biri gorur mu onu kalabaligin arasinda? Sorarsaniz gorur derler. Peki ya kimse gormezse! Ya hep gri kalirsa rengi! O zaman ne olur? Umuda tutunur belki de. Bilse de gelmicek kimse, umut verir kendine. Umutla yasar ne de olsa insan her gunu. Peki, umudun bittigi yerde ne olur? Her gun yuzunun feri gittikce, umut onunla beraber eridikce, ne olur? O zaman ne yapar insan? Kapatir belki de gozlerini. Kor yurur. Onun bir rengi yoksa, diger renkleri gormeye ne gerek var. Kapatir gozlerini, hayal kurar belki. Hayallerine de yasak yok ya! Dusler  yasayamadigi hayatini. Rengi vardir hayalindeki hayatta. Parlar o hayatta. Degistirmistir kaderini o hayatta. Herhangi birini beklememistir o hayatta. Istedigi kisiyi almistir yanina. Bir omur parlar orda. Yuku yoktur orda. Bogulmaz, kaybolmaz. Ama gozlerini de hic acmaz. Ilk defa karanliktan korkmaz. Cunku karanlikta isigi bulmustur.

For Someone Special

It has been a long time since I have wrote something. I mean, I have been writing a lot as a graduate student majoring in English. What I mean is that it has been a long time that I have not wrote anything for myself. I think today is a great day to write again. It is a great day, since it is Valentine's day.

I am not a person who loves to but presents or receive present on Valentine's day, since to me, spending money kills the spirit of this day. However, this does not mean that you should not do anything for someone special. Everybody has a personal way to express their feelings, emotions. This is the reason why I am writing today, since it my way to express myself, to say the things that I repeat in my head over and over again. Today, I am writing for my someone special; I am writing from my heart to his. I hope that he will also feel the warmth that I feel in my heart right now.

"Difficult Victory". This is the meaning of my someone special's name in English. Do you believe that names also reflects people' characters? Well I do, because my special someone proved it to me. I am not going to tell you a story like you see in the movies or read in the books. My story is may be pretty ordinary, but still it has its own magic for me and my someone special; it has its own obstacles, difficulties that me and my someone special have overcame. It is a my story with my someone special with ordinary obstacles in life.

His parents, my parents, his school, my school, distance (not different cities, different continents for two years) and so on. We have gone through so much together; we were sad together; we were happy together; we cried, laughed, scared together. We felt everything you can imagine together. We still do. These obstacles never end I guess. When you think you dealt with something, another thing comes in your way. But, you should love these obstacles like you love your someone special, since without these obstacles we could not have a relationship like we have today.

I must say that we have lost each other for a long time. I mean we were together physically, yet we were not feeling each other. We spent two years in different continents, and I can say that I have never felt that he was not with me. But, for the last one year, we were living in the same place, but I lost him, and he lost me. We were lost in life; we were lost in our relationship; our love was lost. But, life. It does its magic all the time. If it is meant to be, you always find a way to your someone special, and I did. And he found his way back to me. We found each other again like we did four years ago.

It is hard to find someone special, and it hard to make it work. But, whenever you feel that it is not going to work, if that person is really your someone special, you will always find a way back to each other. If it is meant to be, it will be. Do not ever forget this.

I LOVE YOU MY SOMEONE SPECIAL, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY:)

The Weather and My Multiple Identities

I do not like unclearness. I need to be sure what I am going to do for the next day, even for the next hour, which is why the weather during a last couple of days has been driving me crazy. I wake up into a sunny day, and my day continues cloudily, but hot at the same time. I close my day by shaking because of the cold. Or the exact opposite happens. Well, this weather really cause me to have different identities, and reveal them in just one day, because of this my boyfriend is about to gone mad.

Yesterday, I and my boyfriend were talking with my sister on Skype. I do not know how it did happen, but we started to talk about my reaction to different weathers, and my boy friend, Utku started to talk about how I can become a totally different person in seconds because of the weather. He told my sister that “I go upstairs, and it starts to rain, and I go back to down stairs, and I find a rainy person like weather. I do not know why she just started to cry when it started to rain”. Well, I do not know either, and I did not know that I was making my boyfriend crazy, since he dies not know how to react me. According to him, in just one day I can be so nice, and so mean, and it confuses him. The worst part for him, I always blame him, if I am not in the goo mood. I told him to blame the weather in here. He just looked at me and said that “Ok, I will talk to God, and ask him (I always imagined God as a he, don’t judge me) to arrange the weather condition according to your best interest, Ok”. It was very funny actually to hear something like that as a response to my silly excuse to my unbalanced behaviors, and it was warning call to me. From now on, I will try to do everything not to make my boyfriend crazy.

My Biggest War

   Some days, well in my case, some weeks are really hard to get over. I mean, this week, and it has not even finished yet, I have been struggling with so many annoying things. First, my teeth started to kill me. I am twenty three years old, and I have never felt a this kind of pain in my entire life. It was really weird though.  My toothache has its own journey, and I call it “how to be a bad toothache”.

   The first pain came really slowly; I did not even realize that I was going to be in a horrible situation because of this tiny, annoying pain. Actually, it was not even a real pain. You know, sometimes you just feel that something bothers you some much, but it does that so sneaky, and it just hunts you so suddenly. My pain exactly started like that. I thought it was not big of a deal, I could have wait until June, and after I would go back to Turkey, I could go to a dentist, but something unexpected happen, and it changed my week.

   The second level of my pain was manageable, yet it was bad. I mean real bad. The most annoying part of this step was this: when  I was doing nothing, it was not that bad, but whenever I started to do something such as studying which is my whole life, my pain started to reveal its ugly face to me so badly. I mean, it was something on purpose, I felt the anger, I responded it. It was a call for war to me, and I and my toothache became enemies just in a couple of minutes.

   For the first time in my life, I experienced evil face of war. It was not easy, since I had a really strong enemy. It was fearless, angry, and wild. It did not even think about before it caused harm to me. It started to affect my ear. Oh my poor ear, I can still hear its call for help. It just whispered the pain that it felt into my brain, that pain echoed in my head again, and again. I had to do the next move, which is why I asked for a support, and a helpful dentist sent me antibiotics to defeat my enemy. Guess who won this war?

   My toothache felt the cold taste of loosing, and now I am waiting to go back to Turkey to put an end of my source of this bad toothache: my toothJ. That is why, this is not an exact victory to me, but trust me, I will have the victory; I am going to bring peace into my mouthJ  

My Dilemma

I just got an e-mail from Dr.Etheridge about my Graduate Assistantship application, and I could not decide how should feel about the response that I got from the Graduate Committee. According to what Dr.Etheridge wrote in his e-mail, now my application is “in the running” for the next Fall. While I was reading this part of Dr.Etheridge e-mail, I felt the need to look up for the meaning of “in the running”, so I could understand better why he felt the need to put inverted commas. One hand I improve my English vocabulary by learning the meaning of this expression, on the other hand I could not decide should I be happy about or not, since according to what Dr. Etheridge told me that for a while university has a budget problem. That is why, English Department is not sure about what their budget is going to be for the next Fall, because of the fact that there is a possibility that they may not be able to offer three assistantship positions for the next Fall unlike they always do.  Yes, if they will have the enough budget, I am one the new assistants for the next Fall, yet if they will not get the enough budget, there is a possibility for me that I may not be assistant even though I was eligible for the position I applied for. That is why; I could not deice how I should feel about it. Should be happy about that I am “in the running” as an assistant for the next Fall, or should I be unhappy about the budget problem of the university? I am really confused about how I feel now about this situation, and I do not know how I am going to define my feelings about this dilemma. I really want to ask you that how you would feel about it, how you would react. I mean, should I be angry, or should I be calm? I really need your help, since this is something I really want, I do not know how to feel, and how to react.

How Excited I am:)

  Living in a different country, in a different culture is a whole different adventure. I cannot believe that I living in this adventure for past six months. I remember the day I came here. I was terrified. I wanted to go back home so badly, but after a while, after I started to get to know different people, to get to know the culture which I live in, some things changed for me. Coming here was my first time that I was going to be away from my family, and it turned out to be my first step into my very “own” life.

  It is still not easy to live in a place where is so far away from your family. I mean, if I want to see them, I have to pay a lot of money for a plane ticket, and to travel almost eighteen hours. On the other hand, this experience, being by own my own in a country which is full of many surprises is priceless to me. I am lucky to be here as a student; I am lucky to get an education in here, yet the most educated part is not the classes I am taking, it is my experience in here as an international student, as a person who have a different cultural back ground. Trust me; everyday that I spend here is another day that I learn something.

  Honestly, the past couple of days were very busy for me, I am still struggling with the classes by the way, but I have a goal now. It is not a long time goal; it is a goal which has been helping me to motivate myself. A goal comforts me. You call this goal “Spring Break”. Wooooow, how exciting! At least it is for me. I am serious. This is something that you can only experience in here, U.S. I mean everybody around me have been making plans at least for a month to spring break. First, I did not understand that why ever body was making this such a big deal, yet I did not know that towards to this break, I was going to count the days. I do not know who invented spring break, but I think this was his or her most successful work in the life. We do not have a spring break in Turkey, but we have time to be relaxed during the semester because of our schedule. (I am not going to talk about that part, since it is a really long story). That is why; I have never felt the need of this kind of break until now.

  It is weird for someone who have never had a spring break before to imagine herself in spring break. I mean, I am making plans about what I am going to do in spring break, and interestingly I have great ideas- at least everybody think so- for a person who just have learned spring break. Probably, I am too excited about spring break, but I cannot help it. The only advise that I can give you about spring break, if you want to have fun just find a person who have not heard spring break before, and do something with that person. Trust, you are going to have so much fun just watching that person.

  Finally, I am asking you a favor, please tell me your advices about spring break. I want to learn from you, and trust I am going to try to do everything you told me. I am waiting for your comments.

My Mom and My Dreams

   Dreams. They are so amazing. Sometimes, they are so real to. They are part of us, part of us our emotions, feelings, our minds. They are like our hidden assumptions, our hidden passions, wishes, fears. They reflect us in every ways. They talk to us, especially when we are not able to talk to ourselves, to anyone else. Sometimes, they bring signs about life, a sign we wait for a long time. Sometimes, they warn us about our enemies, or bad things which would happen to us. Dreams, they tell everything to us, but the real question, how we could know meaning of our dreams? How could we understand the bad and good signs?

    My mother loves me a lot like many other mothers who love their children so much. She always tries to protect me, even from my own dreams. I am not kidding. When it comes to dreams, their interpretations, she is a very talented woman. Of course I am not saying that, everything she says about people’s dreams is always true, yet she does her best all the time. I do not think she does the same for me.

    Since I was a little girl, I always tell my dreams to my mother. When I was scared, when I was sad, or when I was happy because of my dreams, or when I saw something bad happening to me, in an interesting way, my mother never interpreted my dreams in a bad way, she never told me anything bad. When I was a little girl, I was never in doubt about her interpretations about my dreams, until the day I started to understand the meanings of specific symbols in dreams. Then I realized that sometimes my dreams told me very different things, sometimes they even told me bad things to, yet whenever I told them to my mother, she never interpreted them in a bad way, not even one. She always tried to find the good in my dreams, she changes their meanings for me just to protect me from my own subconscious, yet I wanted the truth about my dreams.

     One day I asked my mother that ‘’ why do you always tell me good things about my dreams, sometimes I see bad things and I what those dreams mean. You always lie to me’’ and She told me that ‘’ I don’t lie to you honey, yet I never make bad interpretations about anyone’s dreams. I do not believe in making bad comments, since when you do that, you invite the bad things. That is why; I do not that, especially not to you my baby. You’re my little angel, and I protect you from bad things’’.

      I think to understand my mother completely; I have to wait the day that I become a mother. Hopefully, I will be a mother just like her, a mother who protects her baby girl even from her own dreams. My mother, my savior in my dreams, I really miss you.