My Mom and My Dreams

   Dreams. They are so amazing. Sometimes, they are so real to. They are part of us, part of us our emotions, feelings, our minds. They are like our hidden assumptions, our hidden passions, wishes, fears. They reflect us in every ways. They talk to us, especially when we are not able to talk to ourselves, to anyone else. Sometimes, they bring signs about life, a sign we wait for a long time. Sometimes, they warn us about our enemies, or bad things which would happen to us. Dreams, they tell everything to us, but the real question, how we could know meaning of our dreams? How could we understand the bad and good signs?

    My mother loves me a lot like many other mothers who love their children so much. She always tries to protect me, even from my own dreams. I am not kidding. When it comes to dreams, their interpretations, she is a very talented woman. Of course I am not saying that, everything she says about people’s dreams is always true, yet she does her best all the time. I do not think she does the same for me.

    Since I was a little girl, I always tell my dreams to my mother. When I was scared, when I was sad, or when I was happy because of my dreams, or when I saw something bad happening to me, in an interesting way, my mother never interpreted my dreams in a bad way, she never told me anything bad. When I was a little girl, I was never in doubt about her interpretations about my dreams, until the day I started to understand the meanings of specific symbols in dreams. Then I realized that sometimes my dreams told me very different things, sometimes they even told me bad things to, yet whenever I told them to my mother, she never interpreted them in a bad way, not even one. She always tried to find the good in my dreams, she changes their meanings for me just to protect me from my own subconscious, yet I wanted the truth about my dreams.

     One day I asked my mother that ‘’ why do you always tell me good things about my dreams, sometimes I see bad things and I what those dreams mean. You always lie to me’’ and She told me that ‘’ I don’t lie to you honey, yet I never make bad interpretations about anyone’s dreams. I do not believe in making bad comments, since when you do that, you invite the bad things. That is why; I do not that, especially not to you my baby. You’re my little angel, and I protect you from bad things’’.

      I think to understand my mother completely; I have to wait the day that I become a mother. Hopefully, I will be a mother just like her, a mother who protects her baby girl even from her own dreams. My mother, my savior in my dreams, I really miss you.

How Did Get Here?

How Did I Get Here?

   A couple of nights ago, I was reading David Gold’s The Accidental Archivist: Embracing Chance and Confusion in Historical Scholarship from Beyond the Archives: Research as a lived process. This work was basically about Gold’s own journey on becoming a historian of rhetoric. I loved whole the article, but, especially the first sentence of Gold made a great impact on me: “I have a confession to make: I didn’t plan on being a historian of rhetoric when I grew up. Instead, my research career began, like many of my colleagues’, I suspect, with a happy accident- or rather a series of them” (13). Gold’s own confession about himself, made me think of my own happy accidents, my How Did I Get Here journey.

   I think that everything we go through in our lives is connected to one another. Something always leads us to another thing, and these spontaneous accidents give a shape to our lives. I am a person who realized these accidents. Deciding to focus on Turkish Language and literature on my bachelor degree, talking to my professor about which field I should focus on for my graduate degree, and finally studying English in U.S are all connected, happy accidents in my life, and these are part of my How Did I get here journey.

     I decided to focus on Turkish Language and Literature because of my mom. She wanted me to study on this filed so badly, since she knew her little girl so well. I am happy that I listened to her, since I loved my major. Taking all those classes about my own literature, learning my own culture, the details of my own language were amazing to me. But, when I became a senior I started look for something different. I had a huge interest in Turkish language: linguistic of Turkish, history of Turkish. But, I wanted to get my master degree in a different university, and also I didn’t want to study on Turkish language by using traditional approaches which I learned during my four year university education life. Because, I wanted to do something different, something that which was not studied in Turkish language before. That is why; I deiced to talk to my linguistic professor. He told me that rhetoric is a field waiting to be discovered in Turkish studies. That is why; I started to look master program both in Europe and U.S.  But, I was trying to find a Turkish studies program focusing on rhetoric. Unfortunately, I could not find one which I wanted. While I was struggling with these difficulties about my future, at the same time I was preparing for the TOEFL exam. My teacher who I worked with for this exam, studied on her master degree in U.S, and she graduated from English department. She told me that if I wanted to focus on rhetoric, I should also consider doing M.A in English. So, I started to look for English programs. Honestly, some of the schools that I found were very expensive, and the cheap ones didn’t have a good master program. While I was looking for a good and economical program, my boyfriend who has been studying in Texas A&M University-Corpus Christi for 2 years asked me a question: ‘why don’t you come here. This is a very good university, and also you don’t have to pay a lot when you compare it to other good programs’. So, I checked the master program in here, and I loved it, especially the courses given in rhetoric. So, I decided to apply.

     I remember my application process. I was so nervous. One hand, I was trying to complete my application, on the other hand I was sending e-mails to Dr.Etheridge constantly, and asking tons of questions (now I think that I asked too many unnecessary question because of my stress). Lucky me, he answered all my questions with patience. After, I sent my documents, and completed my application, the waiting process started. I think that was the worst part of the whole process of mine coming here. But, I remember the day that I became a graduate student at Texas A&M University-Corpus Christi.

     When people accomplish something, they usually get excited about it, or feel happy. The day I learned that I got accepted in here as a graduate student, I could not feel anything. Honestly, I still do not know WHY. But after that day, the time I spent in Turkey elapsed so fast. I got my passport, I applied for visa, then I got my ticket, and suddenly I was here, in Corpus Christi. Then, fall semester started, yet, I was not taking graduate courses, since I had to take three undergraduate courses in English, and get at least B each one of them to be able to start the actual graduate program. They wanted me to do so because of my undergraduate degree. Like I told you, I graduated from Turkish Studies Department. Anyway, I achieved to pass my undergraduate classes. Now, I am officially a graduate student of English department, and now I know what it feels like. It feels like to say ‘hahahahah I am a graduate student, and you are not’ to my friends who are undergraduate students. (I have never said it out loud to any one’s face by the way). Seriously, now I feel like a real grown up, since my opinions matter in here. You cannot find a place like this in Turkey. I love my country, yet sometimes I feel that I do not have the freedom to express myself clearly, because even when I was a graduate student in a very good university an Turkey, my professors never allowed us to speak up. They never accepted our opinions as true ones. If you do not say the things what your teachers want to hear in exams, you fail. Now I understand why a lot of people say that they do not like U.S yet, they want to come here so badly. I think that I am lucky to be here, lucky to find a place which I can reflect myself without thinking that I am saying the right thing or not, since now I know that when it comes to my personal opinions there are no rights or wrongs. The only thing that matters is to be expressing my opinions in a clear way as possible. That is why, I am glad that I am here now.

    Happy ending of my How Did I get Here journey J